Raceday oder wie der Größenwahn an dänischem Straßenteer pappen blieb – Kopenhagen Marathon 2015
Mitunter wird ja gemunkelt, der ehrwürdige Schreiberling dieser Zeilen übertreibe es mit der Länge. Auf der Stelle sei deswegen verkündet, dass der geneigte Leser sich hier Fanta trinkend am selbst verschuldeten Leid anderer laben und sich dabei hämisch quietschend von Cliffhanger zu Cliffhanger hangeln kann. 10 Minuten des vollkommenen Glücks also. Da der von Booker-Preisträger Laszlo Krasznahorkai inspirierte (also gestohlene) letzte Satz darüber hinaus hart am Einzug in die Literaturgeschichte entlang kantet, dürfte nun selbst aus dem Weltraum Applaus aufbranden. Und jetzt mitten hinein ins Renngeschehen.
Wer übrigens glaubt, einer von uns hätte den hier zum Thema gemachten Kopenhagen Marathon gewonnen, dem klaue ich sofort den Wind aus den Segeln und spoilere: der famose Hassan Ahouchar war’s und zwar in einer Granatenzeit von 2:15:24. Die Rede ist hier vielmehr vom epischen Leiden abseits der Vielumjubelten und: postmodernen Flirttechniken. Wer sich nach dieser famosen Einleitung dennoch untersteht, nicht weiterzulesen, der soll aus Kulanzgründen nicht im Maul eines Walfischs enden. Hier aber nun die wahrscheinlich wahre Geschichte meines ersten Marathons.
So macht man das in Dänemark staunte und lernte ich
Helft dem Mann, denke ich mir. Drei- bis vierhundert Jahre muss er alt sein. Kämpft sich Stufe um Stufe die Gangway hinunter. Knickt ein. Zieht sich am Geländer wieder nach oben. Knickt wieder ein. Es ist ein Kampf, aber runter kommt man immer, weiß auch der Pilot, der das Schauspiel interessiert aus seinem Klappfenster belünkert. Und tatsächlich, das Männlein schafft es auf das Rollfeld, stemmt erschöpft die Hände in die Hüften und dreht sich unter Missachtung des auf seinen Kuss wartenden Heimatbodens ein letztes Mal um. Der Kerl ist dann aber gar nicht 400. Eher 22. Marathon? frage ich ihn humpelnd und er lächelt gequält. 3:42 verkündet er stolz. Respekt, sage ich und schleiche an seiner Seite Richtung Flughafengebäude, bis ich bemerke, dass ich die Jacke eines anderen in der Hand halte und die ganze Gangway noch mal nach oben muss. Treppen nach einem Marathon sind eher so semi, verehrte Freunde der gepflegten Freitagabendnachrichten.
Aber beginnen wir etwas weiter vorne und zwar als Tröthild Pingpong durch die Straßen Kopenhagens flanierend plötzlich eine Beschwernis auf ihrem Rucksack spürte. Im Versuch zu ergründen, was da wohl zum Liegen gekommen sein mag, griff sie beherzt nach hinten, stocherte in etwas papiernem herum und gelangte schließlich zu einer warmen und schlabberigen Masse. Ohne Augen geht das nicht, dachte sich unsere Heldin, sattelte ab und betrachtete: ein halbes Kilo frisch gebratenes Fleisch. Medium rare. Womit wir es zu tun haben? Mit einer Meisterbezirzung aus der Neuen Nordischen Charmeurschule natürlich, denn schon trat ein Jüngling auf und verkündete der Überraschten seine Gunst. Wie könnte man besser um Liebe werben als durch das kommentarlose Ablegen von etwas Kadaver auf dem Rucksack der Begehrten? So macht man das in Dänemark, staunte und lernte ich. Tröthild Pingpong würde ihre Bestzeit am Ende übrigens um 20 Minuten auf 3 h 42 verbessert haben und so verlange ich nach guten Omen gierend: mehr Fleisch auf Rucksäcken (und ein Herz für das Futur 2)!
Die Tatsache, dass ich mit drei wunderschönen Däninnen das Zimmer teile, erfordert im übrigen keinerlei Spekulation
Dann: ein Studentenwohnheim irgendwo in Kopenhagen. Samstagabend. Draußen verflüssigt sich die Welt in gewagte Promillebereiche. Aber statt dem dänischen Nachtleben auf die Spur zu kommen, zählen Filippa, Freya, Laerke und ich lieber Schafe. Nur noch ein paar Stunden bis zum ersten Marathon und so putzig das wollene Getier auch über frisch gestrichene Zäune springt, der Schlafplan scheitert grandios an der seit dem Abholen der Startnummer regierenden Aufregung. Ein einziges Hin- und Hergewälze, nur Filippa schlummert selig in den Morgen hinein. Weil aufgrund: Sie hat sich für einen Weltenretterjob beim dänischen Militär beworben und wird wegen der bevorstehenden Sportprüfung nur zur Hälfte über das Kopenhagener Kopfsteinpflaster turnen. Oder sie ist halt tiefenentspannt wie ein am Meer grasender Mameluk. Wer nicht weiß, was ein Mameluk ist, lese gefälligst auf der Stelle die gesammelten Abenteuer der Mumins. Die Tatsache, dass ich mit drei wunderschönen Däninnen das Zimmer teile, erfordert im übrigen keinerlei Spekulation. Das Ziel ist und bleibt selbstverständlich die norwegische Prinzessin.
In mir lodert Vorfreude und die schicksalshafte Gunst, nichts von dem zu wissen, was da am nächsten Morgen ganz doof Gemeines auf mich zukommen würde. Trainiert habe ich nach dem auf 2:59:59 getakteten Plan eines räuberschnellen Jungspunds. Nach 1:24:23 beim Halbmarathondebüt in Paris und 38:06 über die 10 km beim Berliner Airportrun wurde ich von verschiedenen Seiten – unter anderem von meinem eigenen Größenwahn – beflüstert, dass die sogenannte „Sub 3“ machbar und angehenswert sei. Vor allem aber hat mir eine Scherzboldin dafür einen Kuchen versprochen! Enthusiastisch malte ich mir die Einheiten in den Kalender und rannte los. Nicht so richtig eingeplant war dabei das methusalische Alter meines vor sich hin bröckelnden Körpers, dessen Krächzen nach Regeneration ich für das Mimimimi eines alten Waschweibs gehalten und deswegen gepflegt ignoriert habe. Herausgekommen ist eine immer mehr von Nicklichkeiten verwässerte Vorbereitung und das, was der geübte Straßenrennende offenbar Läuferknie nennt. Spürt man im Alltag nicht, kommt aber mit freundlicher Regelmäßigkeit während des Laufens und schmerzt dann in etwa so wie wenn ein griesgrämiger Samurai mit einer rostigen Klinge an der Knieaußenseite herumrührt. Merksätzlein Nummer 1: Auf den Körper hören schadet niemals nicht und so Dinge wie Lauf-ABC, Strengthening und ähnlicher Schabernack gehören auf den Stundenplan jeden Distanzrennenden.
Der letzte Test vor Kopenhagen war ein 20-Minuten-Joggen im nahen Jahnsportpark. Die dortige Tartanbahn übrigens führt seit vielen hundert Jahren die Single-Hotspot-Rangliste der Stadt an. Deren romantische Zauberkraft bleibt mir und allen anderen aber seit genauso vielen Jahren verborgen. Das Joggen verläuft zum Glück so ereignislos wie das um mich herum behauptete „heftige Knistern“ und ein wenig funkt in mir die Hoffnung herum, dass ich schmerzfrei durch den Marathon komme. Run-Pack-Käptn Gisbert grätscht mir da aber sofort kalt lächelnd in die Träume: Ein Marathon tut immer weh, spricht er weise und an den Schmerzensfalten rund um seine wissenden Augen sehe ich, dass da einer die Wahrheit sprechen muss. Kürzlich erst hat er sich mit seinem eigenen Körper prügelnd in Mannheim über die Ziellinie gepurzelbaumt und fungiert fortan als mein Willensvorbild. Zusammen mit Michael Chang, versteht sich. Wie sehr dieser Wille bald gefragt sein würde, war mir natürlich trotzdem nicht klar. Warum man auch jede Erfahrung erst mal selber machen muss, zefix aber auch. Wozu gibt es denn all die allwissenden Menschen, die die Welt in Altersheime sperrt und vergisst statt von ihrer unermesslichen Weisheit zu profitieren?
Die erste Pastaparty ohne Pasta
Achtung Zeitsprung zum sogenannten Raceday: Auch in Dänemark kräht frühmorgens nicht mehr der Hahn, sondern das Handtelefon. Das Ding kräht und kräht, aber niemand rührt sich. Ich bin der schlechteste Aufsteher der Welt, stehe aber trotzdem auf, was zu so was wie einem umgekehrten Dominoeffekt bei meinen Mitbewohnerinnen führt und ein paar Minuten später knuspern drei müde Baldmarathonisten an Brot mit Honig herum, während Frollein Tiefenentspannt neidbeglotzt einfach weiter schnarcht. Brot mit Honig in der Stadt, in der das NOMA steht, ist ein bisschen so wie wenn man sich mit Zlatan Ibrahimovic zum Nähkurs trifft, aber es funktioniert. Gestern hätte unser Murmelwesen speisetechnisch mehr verpasst. Was die Dänen außer Europameistertitel klauen und mit blitzeblanken Zähnen lächelnd immer nett sein nämlich sonst noch können ist Gastgeben. Und zum Gastgeben gehört bei einem Marathonwochenende die Pastaparty. Die genauso lokalen wie legendären NBROS hatten dafür in die Red-Bull-Räumlichkeiten über den Dächern der Stadt geladen und fulminant Frisches aus der Region aufgetischt. Das einzige, was es übrigens unter all den ungehörig leckeren Gemüsebergen, Lachs- und Rote-Beete-Kreationen nicht zu finden gab, waren Nudeln. Die erste Pastaparty ohne Pasta also. Die NBROS sind in guten Teilen schneller als das Licht und damit über jeden Zweifel erhaben. Wir brauchen keine Pasta.
Pünktlichkeit mag die Tugend der Könige sein, aber wer will schon mit einer Krone herumlaufen
Ich rezitiere ein letztes Mal das frisch erlernte Sprüchlein, das ich am Cheerpoint besagter NBROS aufzusagen gedenke, wozu es aber natürlich niemals kommen wird: „Det er vanvittigt. Jeg har en lang næse“. Das heißt scheinbar „Ist ja ein Wahnsinn hier. Ich habe eine lange Nase.“ Wenn das kein Goldkonfetti wert ist, weiß ich auch nicht mehr. Sodann schleiche ich mich aus dem Wohnheim. Weil ich es vergeigt habe, mir rechtzeitig ein Fahrrad zu leihen, fahre ich als einziger Mensch in Dänemark nicht mit dem Fahrrad durch den Morgen, sondern mit der beängstigend modernen und fahrerlosen U-Bahn. Ein paar andere haben das mit dem Fahrrad offenbar auch vermasselt und schließen sich mir an. Niemand sagt viel, alle grübeln nervös an ihrer Renntaktik herum. Die meine habe ich immer noch nicht parat, weil ich nicht weiß, was das Knie sagt und wie sich die ausgefallenen Trainingskilometer bemerkbar machen werden. Schön also, dass Gotthold, ein befreundeter Berliner Sportbold bei der Kleiderabgabe auf mich wartet und mir völlig entspannt das Denken abnimmt, während die Uhr bedenklich nah an die Startzeit heranrückt. Gotthold ist in Begleitung seines Sandkastenkumpans Jens-Uwe-Otto und beide haben sich überlegt, dass das Ding eigentlich so knapp um die 3 h zu laufen sein müsste, eine 3:10 aber schon auch noch zu ertragen wäre. Klingt ordentlich, sagt mein Größenwahn zu dem der anderen beiden, blickt auf die Uhr und kreischt: in 4 Minuten ist Start! Schon wieder zu spät! Pünktlichkeit mag die Tugend der Könige sein, aber wer will schon mit einer Krone herumlaufen. Von meinen Run-Pack-Mithuschern trippelt mir derweil nur Louise von Zackbummpeng über den Weg. Die anderen bibbern anderswo dem Start entgegen.
Aber hach, was für ein herrlich gemütlicher Marathon das ist. Ein bisschen Lümmeln auf einer Wiesenfläche, ein bisschen mit Flausen im Helm in die Zukunft blicken und trotzdem schaffen wir es ohne Mühe, uns an ungefähr 10.000 Leuten vorbei zu schleichen und 11 Sekunden vor dem Start genau zwischen den 3:10- und den 3:20-Pacemakern zum Stehen zu kommen. Hätten wir den Start nicht fast verschlafen, wäre der Größenwahn mit uns womöglich weiter nach vorne geeilt, da wo die 3:00-Ballons in der kühlen Morgenluft flatterten. Merksätzlein Nr. 2: Verschlafen ist nicht immer schlecht.
Die Sonne lacht schallend von einem wolkenlosen Himmel herunter und wir plaudern als wäre das hier der Sonntagmorgenbrunch in der Kleingartenkolonie
Keine Zeit mehr für mentales Einlassen also, peng peng raucht es aus der Startpistole und schon finden wir uns fröhlich kichernd und Kusshände werfend auf dem Weg. Gemächliches Tempo, vielleicht so 4:40. Erst mal ein wenig antesten, ob das Läuferknie direkt aufkreischt oder sich das für später aufbewahrt. Nichts. Das Ding heißt vielleicht doch Läuferknie, weil es zum Laufen gedacht ist, rede ich mir ein. Von den Brücken jubeln die Menschen, die Sonne lacht schallend von einem wolkenlosen Himmel herunter und wir plaudern als wäre das hier der Sonntagmorgenbrunch in der Kleingartenkolonie. So fühlt sich das also an, dieses Marathonrennen. Erste Wasserstelle? Zu voll, es kommen ja noch genug. Merksätzlein Nummer 3: Vor und während eines Marathons wenig bis gar nichts trinken ist mit dem Wort „dämlich“ ziemlich ordentlich erklärt.
Wir werden langsam schneller, grooven uns etwas ein, fühlen uns ganz ordentlich und genießen den Weg. Vor uns läuft ein Mann im Bastrock und wir tun so als wäre der für ihn aufbrandende Jubel auch ein bisschen der unsere. Bei Kilometer 6 meldet sich das Knie, ein kurzer Schmerz nur, aber ich weiß Bescheid, zerkaue grimmig einen Fluch und laufe so sauber wie möglich weiter. Immer auf der linken Straßenseite, wo der Weg etwas nach links abfällt. Hier komme ich automatisch in die erforderliche Dehnung und kann normal weiterlaufen. Gotthold wirft mir ein Papperlapapp in den Weg und verlangt souverän, dass ich immer schön in den Schmerz atmen soll. 44:38 bei 10 km. Ziemlich langsam, aber hinten raus wird der Marathon entschieden, hört man von den Wunderläufern und ich schlucke das erste Gel. Wiggles. Schmeckt ordentlich und saust nicht komisch im Magen rum. An Magengrummeln oder irgendwelchem Unsinn, der sanitäre Einrichtungen erfordert, wird das Ding hier nicht scheitern. Gotthold hat nichts dabei. Mal ne Banane später, das reicht, sagt er und guckt ein wenig seltsam, als ich ihm das irgendwo aufgeklaubte Läuferlatein erzähle vom Körper, der sich ab Kilometer 32 selber auffrisst. Von seinem Entspanntheitsgrad kann man sich trotzdem sieben oder acht Scheiben abschneiden.
Merksätzlein Nummer 4: Zwischenspurts beim Marathon sind ungefähr so clever wie mit einem Stück Schinken in ein x-beliebiges Löwengehege einzusteigen
An der zweiten Wasserausgabe laufen wir auf die 3:10-Ballons auf, die von 50 oder 60 Läufern umkreist werden. Ein kleines Rudelchaos entsteht und plötzlich sind meine Begleiter weg. Aber schon wenig später leuchtet ganz weit vorne wieder das rote Shirt von Gotthold auf. Hat wohl kurz das Mofa eines Schlachtenbummlers gestohlen. Merksätzlein Nummer 3: Zwischenspurts beim Marathon sind ungefähr so clever wie mit einem Stück blutendem Schinken in ein x-beliebiges Löwengehege einzusteigen. Der mit dem roten Shirt ist dann auch gar nicht Gotthold. Er und Jens-Uwe-Otto sind von der Masse verschluckt worden und irgendwo, also beschließe ich, erst mal wieder in den Rhythmus zurück zu finden. Das gelingt nur so lala. Die Sonne brennt inzwischen ordentlich vom Himmel. Ich mag das. Ein perfekter Tag. Merksätzlein Nummer 5: Direkte Sonneneinstrahlung über 20 Grad ist bei einem Marathon nicht uneingeschränkt Grund zur Freude. Merksätzlein Nummer 6: Auch in Dänemark führt ungeschütztes Sonnenbaden zu Extremrottönen, die man sonst nur von britischen Mallorcatouristen kennt. Es klopft mir auf die Schulter. Gotthold und Jens-Uwe-Otto sind zurück.
Der Raum mit den Konfettikanonen sah aus wie das frisch gehobene Kokslager von Pablo Escobar
Das Publikum ist ein Traum. Nicht nur weil es schön ist. Auch weil es freundlich, laut und wahnsinnig charmant ist. „The cute ones always run away“ hält mir eine blonde Wunderlichkeit ihr Plakat entgegen. Ich puste ihr einen Luftkuss zu, sie errötet gekonnt und ich frage mich bis eben jetzt, warum da keine Zeit für ein kurzes Pläuschchen und den Austausch von Kommunikationsdaten war. Immer dieser Ehrgeiz. Was, wenn sie eine norwegische Prinzessin war! Weltallmeister im Anfeuern bleiben aber wohl für immer die NBROS. Der von ihnen angemietete Raum mit den Konfettikanonen sah aus wie das frisch gehobene Kokslager von Pablo Escobar. Ich schätze grob: 2.000 Kilo. Vielleicht auch 25.000. Sie bilden ein Spalier, schreien, toben, singen und erschlagen einen mit Schildern auf denen z.B. „It hurts so bad, yet they say that it’s good for you“ steht. Die persönliche Geschwindigkeit multipliziert sich hier für jeden mit der Zahl Pi. Ob das gut für die Gesamtleistung ist, weiß wie immer nur der Mann im Mond. Mit einem riesengroßen Grinsen passieren wir das NBRO-Fest. Das Grinsen verschwindet nur kurz und wandelt sich zu Staunen als uns die Führenden entgegenkommen. Fliegende Beine, Raumschiffgeschwindigkeit. Nächstes Mal, sagen wir uns und hüsteln selbstbewusst in unsere Bärte hinein. Halbmarathon: 1:33:30. Na ja, wird eng mit unter 3:00, aber die 3:10-Marke schaffen wir locker, raunen wir uns zu. Schließlich haben wir es wie von allen angeraten gemächlich angehen lassen und alles fühlt sich sehr ordentlich an.
Eine alte Frau klatscht einsam aus ihrem Fenster heraus. Wir jubeln ihr zu und ihr ganzes Gesicht strahlt vor Freude. Ein kleiner Moment für die Ewigkeit.
Velvet-Underground-Nico singt in meinem Kopf „this is the end, my only friend“
Aber dann das Dann. Da stottert doch was, da fehlt doch was, denke ich mir bei Kilometer 27, während Jens-Uwe-Otto und Gotthold sich ganz langsam von mir absetzen. Mein Laufen wird unrund, ich werde langsamer und wie aus dem Nichts hockt sich ein nach Säure müffelndes Nilpferd auf meine Schultern. Es ist aber gar kein Nilpferd sondern eine kolossale Erschöpfung. Auf einmal bin ich auf einem anderen Planeten, das hier ist nicht mehr die übliche Gravitationskraft der Erde. Dieser Planet hier will, dass ich auf der Stelle zu Boden sinke und stundenlang Apfelschorle trinke. Velvet-Underground-Nico singt in meinem Kopf „this is the end, my only friend“. Geht aber ja nicht, da sind noch 15 Kilometer vor mir. Der Literat möge mir verzeihen: ein gottverfluchtes scheiß Gefühl. Schon bei Kilometer 28 weiß ich, dass das Ringen um eine gute Zeit vorbei ist. Gestatten, der Mann mit dem Hammer, kreischt mir ein in Schmerz gekleideter Unhold in die Ohren. Hau ab, Mistsack, hauche ich zurück, aber er bleibt für den alles aus mir raus kratzenden Rest des Rennens. Hier geht’s jetzt nur noch um Überleben.
Die Wasserstelle bei Kilometer 32 nutze ich als Ausrede dafür, einen Fußmarsch einzulegen. Gerade jetzt, wo ich von unserem Run-Pack-Schnellsten, Lieutenant Vitesse de la Lumière, gelernt habe, mit dem Zweifinger-Spock-Griff in voller Geschwindigkeit Flüssiges in den Hals zu leeren statt aufs Trikot. Und gehen beim Laufen, das geht gar nicht. Das ist ein Unding, streng verboten, ein Dreifach-Pfui. Trotzdem, ich gehe. Beim Wiederlosächzen schüttet mir irgendein Gehörnter Säure über die linke Knieaußenseite und schießt zur Untermalung ein paar brennende Sportpfeile hinterher. Das Läuferknie tut weh wie Sau, ist aber nicht der Grund für den Einbruch, weil es die Macht erst mit dem erschöpfungbedingten Unrundlaufen an sich gerissen hat.
Würde ich jetzt irgendwo eine Biowaffelmanufaktur überfallen, niemand würde mich bei der Gegenüberstellung erkennen
Ab hier ist alles nur noch Schmerz und Erschöpfung. Beide graben ackertiefe Furchen in mein Gesicht und ich bin überrascht, dass immer noch arglos anfeuernde Minimenschen mit mir einschlagen wollen. Würde ich jetzt irgendwo eine Biowaffelmanufaktur überfallen, niemand würde mich bei der Gegenüberstellung erkennen. Der Wille will nicht mehr, der Körper sowieso nicht, aber irgendwer hat den Autopiloten eingeschaltet. Ich schleiche in Minusgeschwindigkeit durch die Menge, mit verzerrten Zügen, schleppe mich von Wasserstelle zu Wasserstelle, reiße mit letzter Kraft Dankeschön hauchend den Kindern am Wegrand die bereitgehaltenen Becher aus der Hand und kämpfe mit der Enttäuschung, weil ich nicht das A-Team bin und der Plan nicht funktioniert hat.
Dann höre ich ein Rauschen und Flattern, das schnell näher kommt. Die 3:10er Luftballontruppe. Ein schlimmer Moment, weil ich nicht nur sie ziehen lassen muss, sondern von da ab hunderte von weiteren Läufern. Dicke, dünne, haarige, alle. Beim NBRO-Cheerpoint springt mir die famose Tussy Rotzlöffel in den Weg und feuert mich an. Mein erster Rennkonfettiregen prasselt goldblitzend auf mich herunter. Noch so ein Moment für die Ewigkeit. Tolltoll. Dass neben ihr auch Francoise Kawumms und Pille Mullmull mit seinem Saxophon herumturnen, bekomme ich trotzdem nicht mehr mit. Tussys Anfeuerung verhallt hinter mir in der dänischen Sommeridylle und ich werde noch langsamer. Bei Kilometer 38 bin ich felsenfest davon überzeugt, dass sich soeben das Raumzeitkontinuum zu meinen persönlichen Ungunsten verschoben und aus den letzten vier 1.800 Kilometer gemacht hat. Ich krieche und kratze mich durch den Straßenstaub, muss dann schon wieder gehen, aber ein paar liebe Menschen am Wegesrand rufen mir ein schwer motivierendes „Na hör mal“ rüber. Ich versuche es mit einem schiefen Grinsen, atme, wie Gotthold es verlangt hat, in den Schmerz hinein, rumpele ein wenig Kopfsteinpflaster entlang und bin so langsam, dass der Boden mir hämisch anbietet, an ihm festzuwachsen. Ich trete ihn stattdessen und rufe laut: pfüüü! Vielleicht hocke ich da auch immer noch und wachse tatsächlich fest.
Ist das jetzt das Ziel oder nur Werbung für eine dänische Knäckebrotschneidemaschine?
Die letzten 3 Kilometer schreit alles in mir „gib auf, du hast noch dein ganzes Leben vor dir“ aber alles ist mit sich freuenden Menschen bevölkert, gehen geht hier nicht mehr, ruft mir das letzte Prozent Ego zu, das sich irgendwo hinter den rotgebrannten Ohren versteckt haben musste. 2 Kilometer, 8 Minuten denke ich mir, bis mir einfällt, dass das wohl eher 12 Minuten werden. Letzter Merksatz: Niemals niemals die Zeit ausrechnen, die man noch auf der Strecke herumkrawemmseln muss. Immer nur die Kilometer zählen oder besser noch nebenher irgendein mit einer Million Euro dotiertes Problem der Hochmathematik lösen.
Letzter Kilometer, das ist ja quasi nichts, ich raffe mich auf, wenigstens die verbliebenen Meter wieder nach Sport aussehen zu lassen und nach gefühlten 18 Jahren steht da auf einmal tatsächlich ein Tor, das mit „Mål“ beschriftet ist. Ist das jetzt das Ziel oder nur Werbung für eine dänische Knäckebrotschneidemaschine? Hundert Meter vor dem Marathonende sind das entscheidende Fragen. Ich habe keine Ahnung, aber vor mir reißt einer die Arme hoch und hört auf zu rennen. Es muss das Ziel sein. Und auf einmal bin ich da. Angekommen nach 42,195 km, Platz 1002 in der Mmhnja-Zeit von 3:22:19 und nichts ist in mir übrig geblieben. Kein Gedanke, keine Liebe, keine Vergangenheit, nur endlose Leere. Bitte auf keinen Fall folgendes Zielvideo ansehen: Finish. 20 Sekunden später kreischt mir eine deutsche Familie ein vielstimmiges Bollebemmsen, du krasser Typ zu. Ich highfive das unbekannte Empfangskomitee, die Frage nach dem Wie des Laufs kann ich allerdings nur noch mit einem gurgelnden Laut und hysterisch lachendem Abwinken beantworten. Wenn meine getrübte Wahrnehmung nicht Hugoles mit mir gespielt hat, dann war die Tochter des Hauses erscheinungstechnisch ziemlich nah an der von mir anvisierten norwegischen Prinzessin dran. Ich sollte in Zukunft besser achtgeben auf das, was der Wegesrand mir vor die Füße zaubert.
Statt achtzugeben hinke ich Richtung Lungerwiese, die auf einer Anhöhe herumwächst. Die Anhöhe ist etwa 30 Zentimeter hoch und ich frage mich für einige Momente, mit welchem Bein ich es zuerst versuchen soll. Wohl dem, der ein wenig gemein ist, Freude am Leid anderer empfindet und freien Blick auf diesen Mauervorsprung hat. Überall wanken und kriechen die Menschen darüber hinweg und nicht wenige werden sich fragen, warum sie nicht gerade in einem Biergarten mit Blick auf die Nordsee den lieben Gott einen guten Mann sein lassen. „Da isser ja“, ruft der Boden. Es ist aber gar nicht der Boden, sondern Gotthold. Er und Jens-Uwe-Otto bewegt sich ungefähr ähnlich viel wie der Boden und wenig später ist klar, dass bei den beiden der Kraftstaubsauger auch nicht mehr lange auf sich warten hatte lassen. Immerhin, ihnen ist noch eine 3:16:44 gelungen. Der Größenwahn hockt derweil aschfahl am Wegesrand und glotzt verstört auf die Zeitentabelle.
Wie hast du es ins Ziel geschafft? Zerknirscht antwortet der Übermensch: mit 2:42…
Nach und nach tropft der Rest meiner geliebten Run-Pack-Bande ein. Louise von Zackbummpeng hat sich auf dem Weg zu ihrem ersten 100-km-Lauf im Juli noch mal eben eine Bestzeit organisiert: 3:35:23. Tröthild Pingpong wie schon erwähnt: 3:42:38. Jan Josef vom Haken liefert sich mit 3:51:17 auch nicht weit weg von seiner Bestzeit nachhause. Meine Mitbewohnerinnen und Mitdebütantinnen Freya und Laerke stromerten locker mit 4:26:04 und 4:41:37 ins Ziel, um sodann ihr Fahrrad zu verlieren und mir ein paar sonnige Stunden vor der verschlossenen Haustür zu gönnen. Zäh wie Eisen zischte Doppelmama und Ebenfalls-Debütantin Derby Tokolonenstein in 4:28:08 über den Zielsensor. Und alle stellten wir uns in die von den NBROS bereit gestellte Eistonne. Peer, endlich weiß ich, wovon du gesprochen hast. Eine Wonne wie sich da die Kälte in das schmerzende Bein beißt.
Euphorie, tiefe Zufriedenheit? Eher nicht und Begratuliertwerden fürs ins Ziel wanken behagt mir nicht besonders, so nett es gemeint ist. Weil ich mich nicht gratulierenswert fühle. Es liegt nicht so sehr an der Zeit, sondern am Wegbrechen und daran, dass ich Teile der Strecke gegangen bin. Schwächeanfälle und tiefe Zufriedenheit passen nicht zusammen und ich finde das auch sehr in Ordnung so. Es geht ja weiter und beim nächsten Mal soll Konstanz rein in diesen wilden Ritt. Trotzdem eine erhabene Erfahrung und schon schwappt am Abend eine Motivationswelle durch das Studentenwohnheim. Jetzt erst recht, räuspere ich mir selbst in die Umhängetasche. Noch 4 Monate bis Berlin. Ich schnappe mir ein Bügelbrett und reite mit der Welle zu einem Ort namens Habichvergessen, wohin die NBROS zur Marathon Party geladen hatten. Auch hier lecker Frisches zum Abendbrot und ein DJ, der zwar keinen Musikgeschmack, dafür aber unfassbar schnelle Beine hat. Die Überlieferung behauptet, dass der Kerl mit 2:39 ins Ziel gelümmelt kam. Dafür darf er dann auch skrupellos einen Charthit nach dem anderen aneinander stricken, was er immerhin sehr gut macht.
An einem der Tische steht uns ein turnschuhfitter Blondschopf gegenüber, der davon erzählt wie ihn der Onkel mit dem Hammer bei Kilometer 26 niedergehauen hat. Oha, frage ich, wie hast du es ins Ziel geschafft? Zerknirscht antwortet der Übermensch: mit 2:42. Äh, ja gut. Ich widme mich mal eben der Wunde an meinem rechten Oberarm. Mit Singlet rennen ist natürlich unfassbar sexy und durchaus angenehm, das meine hat mir aber eine metertiefe Fleischwunde in den Arm gebrannt. Derweil dreht ein gefürchteter Hamburger Schürzenjäger seine Kreise und greift gierig nach den Röcken sämtlicher Renndamen. Erfolg scheint er mit seinem öltropfenden Gebalze zum Glück nicht zu haben, aber wer seiner Angebeteten kein Fleisch auf den Rucksack zu legen weiß, der ist an diesem Wochenende ja sowieso raus. Amateur rufe ich, während mir auffällt, dass das in den Sonnenuntergang reiten mit der nordischen Kronenträgerin offenbar vertagt werden muss.
Thank you Copenhagen for being my first
Sich bei René Redzepi im NOMA auf die Warteliste schreiben lassen ist übrigens genauso erfolgsversprechend wie der Verkauf von Atomwaffenfernzündern in einem westtibetischen Kloster. Stattdessen waren wir bei Manfreds und noch immer träumt mir von leckerem Tartar und angezündetem Salat.
Fazit: hierher muss man wiederkommen. Die Veranstaltung ist extrem entspannt, sehr gut organisiert und wer noch nie ein Wochenende im högschd wundervollen Kopenhagen verbracht hat, sollte das mal ganz schnell nachholen. An dieser Stelle ein Dankeschön mit Verbeugung an meine bezaubernde Gastgeberin, über die ich hier jetzt ordentlich Unsinn schreiben könnte, weil ihr Deutsch über das Hallotschüß noch nicht hinaus gelangt ist. Stattdessen lieber noch schnell ein Wort zur Strecke. Die ist trotz einiger kleiner Kopfsteinpflasterabschnitte, einigen einsamen Industriegebiet-Metern und dem ein oder anderen an die Seele gehenden Anstieg ein Traum und der Stimmung sollte man ohnehin ein Denkmal meißeln.
Was das Marathonrennen an sich angeht: ist wie Heroin. Macht sofort süchtig. Und äh, nein, ich habe noch nie Heroin genommen, aber so stellt man sich das als Drogenlaie eben vor. Müsste ich nicht diesen Läuferknieunsinn ausheilen, würde ich am liebsten nächstes Wochenende den nächsten rennen. Der Körper vergisst offenbar schnell. Würde ich an den Allmächtigen und seinen Gegenspieler glauben, könnte man sich nämlich das Ende eines Marathons in etwa wie das Fegefeuer oder ein paar Stunden in der Obhut des Gehörnten vorstellen. So oder so: Thank you Copenhagen for being my first. Und weil ich einen letzten Satz für die Ewigkeit versprochen habe, behaupte ich noch schnell, dass Optimismus keineswegs nur eine Form des Informationsmangels ist, sondern im Angesicht der 42,195 km ein mir in Zukunft äußerst hilfreicher Begleiter. Denn jetzt weiß ich, dass der letzte Funken Energie beim Marathon erst von der Ziellinie hinfort gefressen wird – genau wie dieser Text hier aufgezehrt wird von seinem letzten Wort.
Oh der letzte Satz!
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